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Turtles : The Best Species

Mani N.P, Contributor

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Many humans have come to think that turtles are in fact the greatest species of all time. I mean, they do have a nearly indestructible shell. The leatherback sea turtle’s shell can support at least 1473 PSI. To put this in perspective, the strongest human punch clocks in at around 22.5 PSI. The turtle’s shell can only be destroyed by the super chomp of a saltwater crocodile which bites with the force of 4700 PSI. The turtle may be an amazing animal but it didn’t like this. Let’s go back to the origin of this story.

At about 215 million years ago, the first turtle appeared. Turtles should have ruled the Triassic world with their powerful shells and retractable necks, but alas the first turtle had no shell, was five inches long and only three ounces. It was basically a wrinkly lizard. Even though the turtle should have died, it survived long enough to get to the Jurassic Period. This is when it got some major upgrades. The turtle got a 99 rating in defense when it got a shell, this was able to protect the turtle from dangerous monsters. It also got a 99 rating in attack when it got a retractable neck because it could now shoot its neck out at uncomprendable speeds. If this wasn’t enough, turtles now reproduced at twice their normal speed, making their numbers grow larger by the minute. The biggest change would probably be lettuce. “Lettuce?” you may ask. Yes lettuce, this was the biggest staple of food for almost every animal at that time. Now guess who owned the lettuce trade. That’s right, the freakin turtles. Turtles had now become the most powerful species on the planet, they were unstoppable. That was only until the dinosaurs, of course, they ate all the turtles and all their lettuce.

The Cretaceous Period was the one that completely ruined the turtle’s dominance. What could have stopped their reign of power, tide pods, Logan Paul, was it because of the vegans? No, it was their dome-shaped shells. You may be wondering how the turtles greatest asset could stop them, let me explain. Say you have a doggo and a turtle. Let’s say you flip your doggo on to its top, if it is not dead or paralyzed, it will get back up. Now say you flip you turtle over, the turtle cannot get up because of its shell. It is now immobile. Even though the turtle should have died right there and then, it once again persisted and survived. Why you may ask, it is because turtles live for a very long time making them old and slow, and no other animal wanted to go near them because of that. Turtles were the lepers of the animal kingdom, and so they still walk the earth.

Now in the new ages, turtles have taken on many different shapes and sizes. There are a rare bunch of genetically mutated ones that can speak and know cool kung-fu moves.They also are always in the pubescent stage of life and are named after old artists from the Renaissance. The most common ones, of course, are the ones that eat lettuce, urinate and live for a hundred years. No need to worry though, studies have shown that turtles will evolve to be able to survive nuclear blasts. This will make them a valuable asset to the USA, alongside the Kardashians, vloggers, and of course butthurt vegans. Watch out Kim Jong Un, you may have nukes but we have the best species in the world, turtles.

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